I think about you and all of the things that I want to say to you every day. I’ve had my hands quite full with your little brother. He is amazing. I’m sure you know that and love him nearly as much as we do. I will start at the beginning.
His birth was everything we dreamed of. He was born peacefully at home on the first snow of the year. He was 17 days early. Exactly the number of days that you were late. I will write his full birth story later. At first it was hard adjusting to having a baby in my arms that isn’t you. You boys have so many similarities. Looking at him look into my eyes while nursing brought vivid flashbacks of the incredibly precious hours that I spent nursing you. Many mornings I would wake up and see him lying in between me and daddy and it took my brain just a second to realize it wasn’t you. It was hard and confusing at first, but soon Van became a very real part of our lives. I always knew he would, but sometimes it was hard to believe that he would fit in our life as naturally as you did.
We had a lot of fear in the beginning, and sometimes we still do. Daddy and I both spent countless hours staring at Van to make sure he was always okay. We both had moments where we were sure something was wrong and we freaked out. But Van has grown so big and strong these last 3 months. He was in the 87th percentile at his two month check up. The more we see him grow the more confident we become in his ability to thrive. I still check his breathing fairly regularly and am always thinking up new ways that we could lose him, but I’m becoming more confident every day that he is healthy and safe.
It feels so good to have a chubby, healthy baby. It was hard and sad to watch you struggle to gain weight and then lose weight. We are in love with van, just like we are with you. It still feels so unfair that you never got a chance to grow and develop. It is so strange that you are Van’s big brother, but already he has far exceeded you in the milestones he has achieved. He weighs 14lb! That’s almost twice what you ever weighed. He can hold his head up as long as he likes. He smiles and laughs at us and makes funny faces when we do weird things. Just this morning he started rolling over! I woke up and he had rolled from his back to his belly and had an arm stuck underneath of him.
I love you both so much. Parenting a 3 month old is so different than parenting a 3 week old, and sometimes it feels better or like I love Van more because I have had more time with him. I know I will never love anything more than I love you. I love you boys equally, but differently.
You will always be my first born, Henry love. You will always be the one who made me a mother. You will always be my first experience of the indescribable joy and pride and love and purpose that having a baby brings. You will always be an incredibly special boy. And every time I practice yoga I get time alone to focus on all those things and nothing else.
Your uncle Kyle wrote a song for you. He started working on it shortly after you died and they just released it on their new album. It’s the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard. It reminds me how special and loved you are. And how incredibly tragic it is that you aren’t here with us every day. And it reminds me that we aren’t alone in that. There is still an army of people who love you and miss you.
I love you dearly and I will see you in savasana.