Henry Love,
A week ago today your daddy and I took the day off work, stayed in bed until 11 sleeping and crying, went to lunch and went on a beautiful hike in the changing aspens. We spent the day remembering the day one year ago that you nursed for the last time, that we held you for the last time, that we got to look into your most perfect face, and that we had to walk out of room 7 in the ER and leave you forever. Far and away the most terrible day of our lives. We went home and cried harder than we have ever cried. The physical pain of losing you seemed like it might kill us too. We cried until we fell asleep and when we woke up our families and some of our dearest friends were there to feed us and hug us and sit with us and talk with us about what a horrible thing had happened.
The next days and weeks and months were overwhelming. With floods of sorrow coming on at unexpected moments triggered by unexpected words, sights, and memories. Seemingly innocent, every day things would trigger memories of you and what we went through and I would find myself in the deep waters again. A good friend told me grief is like waves. At first they come one after another and each one is big and strong and will knock you down. Overtime the waves get smaller and slower, and every once in a while a big one will come, but you are more prepared to stand in it. I’ve held on to these words and found them to be true. I haven’t had a single day without waves, and I still get some very big waves, but for the most part the daily waves are smaller and more spread out. I still miss you every moment of every day but I am learning to live with grief and even find some beauty in it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my favorite song I sang to you, Let It Be Me by Ray Lamontange. I remember singing this song to you whenever you seemed sad or uncomfortable and thinking about the challenges you had ahead in your life. Surgeries, chronic illness, developmental delay, heart transplants. And I always knew I would do absolutely anything in the world for you, my sweet boy. And as I think about the struggles you faced I find a lot of grace in the fact that you are at peace. That your body and mind and heart are perfectly whole. And while I will always always wish that I could have held you longer, sometimes I think that a lifetime of grief is worth it for the pain that you didn’t have to experience. I know that you would have been an incredibly strong, brave, peaceful man; you were from the minute you were born, but I am so glad for the sorrows you escaped.
I love you so much and I will always always be so proud of the strong, brave, sweet little soul that you were. You have changed our lives in so many ways and we will always always hold you close in our hearts.
Love always, Momma
Let It Be Me
There comes a time
A time in everyone’s life
Where nothing seems to go your way
Where nothing seems to turn out right
There may come a time
You just can’t seem to find your place
And for every door you open
Seems like you get two slammed in your face
That’s when you need someone
Someone that you, you can call
When all your faith is gone
And it feels like you can’t go on
Let it be me
Let it be me
If it’s a friend that you need
Let it be me
Let it be me
Feels like you’re always coming up last
Pockets full of nothing and you got no cash
No matter where you turn you ain’t got no place to stand
You reach out for something and they slap your hand
Now, I remember all too well
Just how it feels to be all alone
You feel like you’d give anything
For just a little place you can call your own
That’s when you need someone
Someone that you, you can call
When all your faith is gone
It feels like you cant go on
Let it be me
Let it be me
If it’s a friend you need
Let it be me
HENRY LOVE 