Henry Love
I am revisiting this form of connecting with you and with myself.
So much has changes and so much is still the same. My love for you is unchanged. You are on my mind and in my conversations daily, even four and a half years later. I still dream of holding you again and well up with tears at the pain of losing you. I stare at your tree in our back yard and remember the cold days after you were gone and how empty my sould felt. I watch Van playing with your wooden helicopter and I wish he had you to play with. I see the small, wooden box that holds the remains of your fragile little body and I remember the warmth of your skin on my skin. I have deep peace when I think of you and what you are in our lives.
Your daddy and I remain madly in love. I remember reading the statistics. Up to 90% of marriages end after losing a child. I read countless mom loss blogs, and I don’t remember a single one where the couple stayed together afterwards. I remember fearing for our marriage, and I understand now why so many marriages might end. We have come through the loss as completely different people. It is normal for people to change over time. No one is the same person at the end of their marriage as they are in the begining, but we changed so entirely in just a few short years. Your daddy is so different now from the man that I married. And I love him all the more. I love the depth of who he is. I love the work he has put into himself and our marriage and our family. I love the deep bonds we have because of our shared experiences. I love who he has become and is still becoming. I am so proud of him and I am so proud of our marriage.
Your brother is 3 years and 3 months old. He is wild and stubborn and brilliant and fun. I often think of what life would have been like if you had stayed. Maybe we would have you both. Maybe we would not have had him. I will never know, but he has been our whole world. I do think it would have benefited him so much to have you as his big brother. We have given him every ounce of ourselves. We have lost thousands of hours of sleep holding him and snuggling him and knowing that we are not garanteed any more minutes with him. I am thankful for the ways that you taught us to parent. I am thankful that we can appreciate even the hardest days of parenting, because nothing is as hard as not having your baby to hold.
You now have a little sister. Noelle Love Perry. Her middle name is a subtle tribute to you. People always asked us if we would name our kids after you, and we never wanted to. You are our Henry and they are their own persons. They are not a replacement. Nothing could ever replace you. I always thought while writing to you that love would make a beautiful middle name, and when I found out we were having a little girl I was filled with a different kind of love than o had experienced, and the name just seemed to fit. Noelle came into the world looking so much like you. She was nearly the exact same birth size as you were and had your perfect, round, newborn face. All three of you look similar, but she somehow ties you and Van together. Her spirit reminds me of yours as well. She is deep and peaceful. She is strong and sweet. She has a knowing that seems far advanced an infant. She has brought me peace and love in a whole new way.
I had pretty marked anxiety after losing you and for the year after Van was born. I am far from worry free, but I have moved past most of that anxiety. I love being a mother more than anything else I have ever done. I enjoy my work as an ER nurse and I find great meaning in that. I have amazing friends who have walked through the last 5 years with me, and some new friends who have made beautiful space to get to know you and what you have meant to my life even though they did not know me when you were here. I have joy and peace most of the time.
So 4.5 years later I would say we are thriving beyond what I could have hoped for. Life is not always easy and parenting certainly has its challenges, but we have great joy and love. We feel lucky or maybe even blessed. We will always feel incomplete without you here, but we have found a stride in life that allows us to remember you with great love and joy and cherish the family we have physically present.
I hold you in my heart every single day and I ways long for when I will see you again.
All of my love,
Momma
HENRY LOVE 